Unheard...Unseen...

Do you ever just have one of those days where you feel like whatever. Like you are just in a world surrounded by all of these people and you are just in your own little world? Alone. Lonely. I feel like I could just talk about absolutely nothing all day long and nobody would hear me. Things going on around me tend to block me out. People tend to block me out. Actions and words don't speak loud enough to ring out among their deafening screams...

Why the heck to do I feel like this? I never feel like this? I look around me and everybody has somebody. Whether its a boyfriend or a best friend. I feel caught in the middle. I know that I have best friends, some of the best in the world, but I feel like they have their own little world going on and no matter what I can't be a part of that.

I see where I am today and what I am doing. I am too worried about schoolwork to do anything. I talk to people and I go out and try to have fun but no matter what, I just can't feel like I am totally 100% a part of any of it.

I have never had one of these days before today. I sat in class today and I noticed that I was the only one actually doing my assignment. Every single person in the room was doing something else, talking to someone else. But I wasn't. I was the ONLY one. It's strange that I notice things like this and it actually bothered me. Its almost like the world around me is moving but i'm stationary and I just don't understand why.

It makes me wonder if I am seperating myself from everybody else or if they are doing it to me. It could be a combination of both.

I feel like I am unheard and unseen. I feel like I'm just here and nothing more.
I know that in just a few months I'm an adult and in about a year, I'm out of high school. I'm not sure if I'm ready to take this step. I have no choice in the matter, but that doesn't mean I have to like the idea.

I miss having somebody to share these moments with. Someone to hold me and rock me and tell me everything will be ok and they will be there for me. Even though I do have people like that, it doesn't help. Nothing helps.

I feel extremely discouraged today and I don't know why. I feel like I can't do anything right. I feel like having a weep-a-thon. I haven't had one in a while. Maybe it will do some good and help me feel better. I would just be crying for no reason really. I guess sometimes we all just need to take a moment and have a good cry. Cry for everything in our lives. Cry for the people we love and the potential to see them hurt. Cry for the potential to get hurt ourselves. Cry because we feel alone in the world even though we aren't. Cry because we are having one of those "i regret my decision" moments. Just cry it all out.

The only thing to make that better would be to cry and have someone like that who you actually WANT to make it better. I don't think I have that anymore. Maybe because I won't let myself. I really don't know. I don't know what my issue is.

Today I see where I am and I wonder where I will be tomorrow. Nobody knows. I wish they could tell me.

As for now, in the famous words of Mitch Hedberg, "I'm tired of following my dreams. I'm going to ask where they're going and catch up with them later."