Last night was the talent show and I was very tired when it was over so I went to bed when I got home. This blog is about last night.
Ok, so it was the talent show and I was performing. I sang Hurt by Christina Aguilera. I was thinking about the lyrics and what they mean. [here's a link to the lyrics if you don't know the song click here.]If you don't know the song, go read the lyrics and then continue, you won't fully understand.
Now that you have read the lyrics--I get up on stage and I'm listening for my intro and as the first words come out of my mouth it hits me--this song applies to my life and that's not a good thing.
This song can be applied to several people's life, depending on how you look at it. It can be taken as you have lost someone because of death, you got in a fight with your best friend, or even you and your boyfriend/girlfriend broke up.
"Seems like it was yesterday when I saw your face, you told me how proud you were but I walked away."
Wow! I seriously almost lost my mind right there on stage. All I could think was Josh. I thought I was over it. It was done, I moved on and was waiting for another guy to come along and sweet talk me just the right way like he did. But no! I COULD NOT HAVE BEEN MORE WRONG! When we broke up he told me that he didn't love me like he should anymore and that he would still be there for me when I need him
As I kept singing and the lyrics began to run through my head right before they came out of my mouth all I could think about is what I would do to have him there to hear this song and tell him how sorry I am for whatever I had done wrong and how sorry I am for blaming him for all of my mess ups and whatever.
I see Josh for the majority of the school day. He was one of my best friends but now its all different. Everything has changed. I was sitting in Psychology today thinking about times we had together, dancing with him at prom, parties, alone time, just whatever. Then I realized that everything that happened between us wasn't really my fault, yet somehow I keep telling myself it is. I would do almost anything in the world to tell him that I'm sorry for whatever I may have done and to have just one more chance. I do miss him more than anything. I fell too hard too fast and he wasn't completely ready to catch me yet.
"If only I knew what I know today..."
I would have done things differently. I would have controlled myself better. I would have enjoyed the time we had together more than I did. I would have told him more often that I loved him. I would have realized something was wrong before I did and I would have saved everything. I would have saved him, I would have saved us.
"I've hurt myself..."
I didn't do any of that. I have hurt myself. I did this on my own. I put myself in that position again, after having my heart broken once, knowing that it could happen again, but believing that it wouldn't. People have told me, "it's better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all." Sometimes I don't believe that. I don't understand it. There are times when I wish that I didn't love him or anybody else. It would have been so much easier to just wonder what it feels like to be loved on a level like that than to turn out the way it has.
"I would hold you in my arms, I would take the pain away, thank you for all you've done, forgive all your mistakes. There's nothing I wouldn't do to have just one more chance to look into your eyes and see you looking back..."
Ok, I lied again. I'm not ok. But I refuse to be mopey depressed Britany. I will be ok eventually. And I am lucky enough to have Katie and Carter to help me through it.
Tuesday, May 12
OH my WOW!
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Brituhknee, Brituhknee, Brituhknee.
How many times do I have to tell you that it IS NOT your fault? And that, whether you choose to believe it or not, JOSH IS A DUMBASS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I mean, he CHOSE to give up something as awesome as you. HE chose it. Not you. HE made the decisions. He made the MISTAKES. You didn't do anything. You were loving him the only way you knew how (maybe minus some things, but whatev. I have no room to talk. :D) THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT! I love you to death, kid, but if you keep blaming yourself, I'll slap you back to Africa (no racial slurs intended, folks.) Okay?
LOVES!!!!
I know its been squashed. I wrote that last night, goofhead.
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